When something occurs it is all too easy to place blame before asking what happened. If a blaming statement is said, everyone becomes defensive and ill feelings arise. When a person asks for information, like a detective, in a non-blaming way, a dialog is established that can help solve a problem in a positive manner. Scroll down and copy, Asking a ? Without Blame, and hand out an example.
Be a Detective
Mrs. Cooper's class was in the computer lab typing their stories. Bethany had forgotten to bring the rough draft of her story and returned to the room to get it. Later, when the class returned to the classroom, Tayshawn discovered that his money for lunch was no longer in his desk. Tayshawn confronts Bethany and shouts, "You took my money!"
1. Why did Tayshawn think Bethany had taken his lunch money?
2. Did Tayshawn know for sure that Bethany had taken the money from his desk?
3. How could Tayshawn have nicely asked Bethany about the money.
Had Tayshawn been a good detective he could have solved the problem before blaming Bethany. Bethany was known to be a very honest person. Even though she had been in the room with no one there, it would not be like her to steal Tayshawn's money. If Tayshawn had investigated before blaming Bethany, he would have found that his money had fallen underneath his desk when he was taking out his rough draft. Sometimes it takes a good detective to figure out what happened, before blaming someone.
Instead Say This
Explain the difference between a blaming and non-blaming question or statement. Say the blaming sentence out loud. Help the child/children to brainstorm and change the sentence into a non-blaming question or statements.
blaming asking for info example
Why did you do that? (instead ask) How did it happen?
Tell me about it now! (instead ask) Can you tell me about it?
Sure! (instead ask) I'm confused, help me to understand.
You don't care! (instead ask) I need help with this.
How would you feel? (instead ask) Can we figure out a fair way to solve this?
Say It!
Say the blaming sentences below out loud with a blaming voice. Have the child/children re-phrase the sentence into a non-blaming question that seeks information, using a pleasant voice.
1. He is always picking on me and I am tired of it!
Can you help me understand what the problem is?
2. She thinks she's better than everyone else, that's why she knocked over my books!
How did this happen?
3. My math homework is gone and he took it!
I am looking for my math homework, have you seen it?
or, Do you know how my math homework got on your desk?
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